Rules for resolving conflicts
It's no secret that avoiding quarrels is not easy. Even in the happiest families, quarrels happen. Of course, building relationships in such a way as to completely avoid quarrels is almost impossible. But it is necessary to learn how to get out of conflict situations. You don't need a huge scandal, right?
The best option is a compromise. Find a solution that suits both sides. Remember, if one of the parties makes concessions but remains unconvinced, then the problem is not solved. After a while you will encounter her again.
Here are some tips on how to reduce conflict situations to a minimum. They will be useful not only for women, but also for men.
1. Learn to control your emotions You will never have a constructive dialogue if at least one person is aggressive. No, of course, if your main goal is to defuse emotions, then shout as much as you want, but if you have a specific goal, then you should first calm down and then start a conversation.
Coping with your emotions is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. Try to look at the situation from the outside. Imagine watching a movie. Yes, you feel sorry for the main character, but he is not you, and therefore you can analyze the situation impartially. Even if you don’t succeed the first time, the main thing is training.
2. Don't beat yourself up Don't beat yourself up. If your husband is late after work, you should not fill your head with terrible thoughts about the accident or about another woman. You shouldn't start making trouble as soon as he crosses the threshold. Before he arrives, we remember the first advice and extinguish negative emotions. Try to figure out why you are so worried about this and what you really feel.
Don’t be surprised, because the fact that your emotions are based on fear that you will be abandoned or that something will happen to your loved one is normal, as is resentment, often based on selfishness. Then imagine that the door opens and he enters. What do you want more at this moment - yell at him or hug him? If the first, we continue to extinguish emotions. Don't be afraid to tell your husband that you were worried about his delay. He will remember this and will warn you in the future.
3. Choose a time to talk You shouldn't get into trouble. If your husband comes in irritated, put off the conversation. And remember, you should also not start a conversation with a hungry person who has not had enough sleep, much less drunk.
4. Fight the cause, not the effect. Find out what happened cause of the conflict. It is worth discussing and resolving it, and not the quarrel itself. This will greatly speed up the solution to the problem.
5. Don't bring up the past In addition, remember, you should not start a quarrel while remembering all previous sins. Limit yourself to what happened at this very moment.
6. Don't accumulate problems Solve problems as they arise. You shouldn't wait until there are enough of them. Discuss problems gradually and never return to them.
7. Don't hold a grudge Talk about the offense calmly and without hysterics. You shouldn’t carry it inside yourself - the sooner you talk it out, the faster it will pass.
8. Don't stoop to insults This is also quite important. Insults are a new reason for quarrels.
9. Don't be sarcastic and avoid irony Remember, sometimes it is not the words, but the tone with which you pronounce them that offend your interlocutor.
10. Don't throw tantrums Did you know that hysteria is considered a form of manipulation? Despite the fact that this is a very powerful weapon, it will not really help you solve the problem.
But what if you are not the initiator of the conflict? What to do in such a situation?
Mouth shut Do you remember when in school you were advised to lock your mouth and throw it away? Try something similar. To make sure you don’t say anything unnecessary, fill your mouth with water and wait until your husband says everything he was going to say. If you suddenly swallow water, take more. A person cannot talk to himself for a long time. Soon he will get tired of it and he will shut up. And discuss the situation itself later, when he leaves.
Act outside the box If you are being yelled at, try hugging or kissing your husband. It is unlikely that after this he will want to continue the quarrel. You can also try to move the conversation to another topic. Ask for a glass of water or to close the window. You should not cling to words. A phrase taken out of context loses its original meaning.
Don't get hung up on individual words, because then you are guaranteed a huge scandal.
Don't think that you are the root cause of everything You are not always the cause of the quarrel. Perhaps the cause of irritation is failure at work, a quarrel with friends, or the rudeness of others. After all, not everything revolves around you.
Remember, with the right approach, any aggression can be minimized. The main thing is to know how to do it.
In public transport, an entertainment venue or on a playground. There are plenty of options. And there are two participants in the conflict: you and your opponent. We will offer 10 points that will tell you how to avoid conflict and keep your nerves in order.
Turn off extrasensory perception
One of the opponents in the conflict necessarily has psychic abilities. He never asks directly; he “reads the thoughts” of his interlocutor.
Let's give an example: Masha went shopping with a friend. In one of the stores, a friend picked out a cute yellow dress for a future party. She doesn’t realize that Masha has the same dress, and she wanted to go to the party in it. While her friend is paying for the purchase, Masha comes up with a story: they say that the girl specifically bought the dress because she treats Masha badly. As a result, the friend's expression of joy leads to a scandal.
If Masha had said directly that she had the same dress and asked to choose a different outfit, the conflict would not have occurred. However, people tend to independently figure out the thoughts and motives of another person. Because of this, an internal conflict arises, turning into hatred. Later it erupts into a scandal.
To avoid conflicts, you need speak directly about your desires, fears and concerns. Don't think they are obvious. People around you simply don’t know that you have a different point of view from them.
Control your emotions
A surge of negative emotions occurs when a large amount of norepinephrine is released into the blood. This is one of the hormones stress. If you are a conflict person, work on the physical component of your personality. Glycine D3 can suppress norepinephrine: it has an inhibitory effect, removes “internal shaking” and fear. Blocks utopian thoughts.
Breathing exercises by A.N. are great for coping with emotions. Strelnikova. Watch a video demonstration of the complex exercises.
Dim the lights
Bright light stimulates the nervous system. When there is a conflict, mute it or close your eyes. 30–50 seconds in a state of “darkness” will help you concentrate on the problem and find a solution to the conflict.
Make a joke
Most conflicts take place in the wake of mutual accusations. This means that you no need to come up with a joke from scratch - just respond to your opponent's attack. For example, the interlocutor shouts that you are stupid. Smile and say: “But he’s as handsome as a penguin on a helicopter.” A humorous phrase will confuse your interlocutor and allow the conflict to fade away.
Mirror your opponent's claims
To reduce aggression on the part of your interlocutor, mirror him. This way you will quickly come to a constructive dialogue. After each phrase, clarify: “Did I understand you correctly?”, “Do you want to say...”.
Wait for the other person to speak
It is not necessary to actively participate in the conflict. Give your opponent the first word, listen to the claims to the end. During breaks, encourage a further monologue: “And?”, “Continue, please.” Soon the interlocutor will be tired and ready to talk about business.
Admit your mistake
You are not right? Admit the mistake at the beginning of the conflict. This will eliminate the need to listen to hurtful words and waste time arguing.
Acknowledge mistakes with dignity: turn off your emotions, stop blaming yourself. Briefly and succinctly state the situation. Explain why you did what you did. Indicate that you are ready to make things right. The voice should be even, the head slightly raised. If you are worried, postpone the conversation until another time or take a sedative.
Leave the room
The conflict can be stopped by turning around and leaving the room.
Do not implement the advice if the conflict occurred at work. In this case, apologize and ask for a break. Drink water or wash your face to calm your emotions.
Lower your expectations
Conflict presupposes an outcome. Even if the result is reconciliation, the means to achieve it can greatly affect the relationship with the other party. Therefore, leave the dispute unfinished and let your opponent take offense. Return to the conversation when the anger subsides.
Keep your voice down
During a conflict, the conversation becomes louder. Don't let this happen and say your words more quietly. The interlocutor will adapt to your tone. 5-7 minutes of dialogue with a calm intonation provide a 100% solution.
Finally, watch the video that clearly demonstrates how to avoid conflict. Have a good mood!
Conflicts are always a problem. And no matter in what area they arise, be it business or personal life, we are faced with the same questions: how to resolve the conflict or how to avoid it in the future. Of course, it will not be possible to avoid conflicts; even in the strongest relationships, in the most trusted business, from time to time disagreements arise that can develop into a serious conflict. In this article we will not talk about how to build ideal relationships that will develop without disputes and conflicts, but we will focus our attention on something else - how to properly get out of conflict situations. After all, you don’t want serious scandals and problems? Right?
What is the best option for resolving conflict situations? What immediately comes to mind? I am sure that you have thought of many possible options, but among all of them, only a compromise will be optimal. Both sides must make concessions, change their vision of the situation, find a common solution to the problem, one that would suit both.
So, how to come to this compromise, because in words everything is easy, but in reality it turns out to be not so simple. Let's look at 10 basic rules with which you can resolve any conflict situation.
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1. Keep your emotions in check.
The first rule is that you must learn to think with a “sober” head, and not involve ego and emotions in your decision. It very often happens that, out of emotion, a person will say something, do certain things, and then, when he cools down a little, he begins to regret everything he said. And this happens all the time. Emotions cloud your judgment, inflate your ego, and make you think that you are taller and smarter than your interlocutor. This is not right, this is a road to nowhere. Many Eastern cultures and religions place great emphasis on the ability to control your thoughts and emotions. Why do you think Tibetan monks are so calm, conflict-free and reasonable? Yes, because they think first and do not involve emotion. Learn!
2. Don't beat yourself up
There is a wonderful Zen saying: “I think less, I laugh more.” What do you think it's about? How often have you encountered the fact that a person himself came up with a problem, screwed himself up, got offended, and even inflated the conflict from this? It happened, didn't it? Did you do that? I'm sure so. So, you don’t need to think too much, you don’t need to hype yourself up about something that hasn’t happened yet. You yourself build a chain of non-existent events in your head, develop them yourself, and begin to believe in it so much that then many problems arise.
For example, your business partner is late for a meeting, the phone is turned off, there is no connection on the Internet, you wait and begin to imagine why this happened. And as soon as he enters the office, you begin to attack, accuse, make some kind of claims based only on your invention. Don’t rush your horses, don’t get nervous ahead of time, because you don’t know the true reasons for being late. Such cases are all too common, and until you learn to live in the moment now, learn to perceive everything as it is, conflicts cannot be avoided.
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3. Choose the right time
Often conflicts arise when one of the interlocutors is not ready to talk. If you see that your colleague is not in a good mood, that he is not having a good day today, then do not interfere with your questions, recommendations or advice. It’s better to wait until tomorrow, let everything work out for him, and then start the conversation.
It is also better to conduct all negotiations in the afternoon, approximately 1-1.5 hours after lunch. Why? By this time, the person will have already “started up”, will have entered into the work process, will have time to have lunch and relax. A well-fed and positive-minded interlocutor means a minimal risk of a conflict situation.
4. Look for the cause, not the effect.
We are all accustomed to dealing with the consequences of conflict, but we do not want to analyze what caused such a person’s behavior. Always take a broader view, go beyond the conflict, try to analyze the situation and understand how to avoid similar problems in the future.
5. Live in the moment now
Another mistake that leads to serious conflicts is past memories. Why do you reproach a person for what has already passed, why do you remember his past “sins”? This will in no way help resolve the conflict, but on the contrary, will add fuel to the fire. Try to live in the moment now. Just think, nothing exists except now. The past has already happened, and it cannot be changed, therefore, there is no need to be very upset about it, and we don’t know the future, therefore, put aside worries about it too. There is only here and now - remember.
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6. Don't accumulate problems.
There is a great saying: “Problems must be solved as they arise.” And this is the true truth. There is no need to accumulate grievances, experiences, or any controversial issues. Try to discuss everything at once, decide, come to a common denominator. Problems can be compared to a snowball, which only gets bigger and bigger every day, and if you don’t reduce it, then at one point this lump will fall on your head with enormous force, bringing with it a whole set of conflicts and unpleasant situations.
7. Don't hold grudges
This rule is closely related to the previous one. There is no need to harbor grievances, hatch an insidious plan for revenge, or secretly invent and impose something on yourself. If you want to live without conflicts, then you should learn to calmly, without unnecessary emotions, discuss all controversial issues. The faster you resolve your internal conflict, the faster you discuss it, the better, because this will help you free yourself from unnecessary thoughts, and most importantly, from unnecessary speculation.
8. Don't insult
Do not stoop to the lowest level - insult. Scientists have proven that if during a quarrel a person gets personal and begins to insult his interlocutor, then this is an indicator of his weakness, his wrongness, his inability to prove his point of view. As a rule, the person who begins to insult is the one who understands that he is wrong, but his inflated ego does not want to give in, and cannot find any other way than to say nasty things. Remember that an insult will not improve the situation, but will only become the basis for a new quarrel, an even greater conflict.
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9. Watch your tone.
Sometimes it’s not so much the words, but the tone with which they are spoken that can greatly offend your interlocutor. Therefore, always watch how you pronounce this or that phrase. Don't be sarcastic, don't tease, don't make fun of any qualities, because most people may not like this behavior. Always try to put yourself in the place of another, to project your actions onto yourself. Behave the way you want to be treated.
10. Don't throw tantrums.
It has been said more than once that hysteria is a powerful way to manipulate another person. Yes, it can calm the conflict for a while, but the problem will remain, the situation will never be resolved. So what's the point of being hysterical, behaving provocatively, raising your tone if, as a result, everything remains as it was?
But what if you are not the initiator of the conflict? What to do in such a situation?
Your mouth is locked Do you remember when you were in school when you were advised to shut your mouth and throw it away? Try something similar. To make sure you don’t say anything unnecessary, fill your mouth with water and wait until your husband says everything he was going to say. If you suddenly swallow water, take more. A person cannot talk to himself for a long time. Soon he will get tired of it and he will shut up. And discuss the situation itself later, when he leaves.
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Act outside the box If you are being yelled at, try hugging or kissing your husband. It is unlikely that after this he will want to continue the quarrel. You can also try to move the conversation to another topic. Ask for a glass of water or to close the window.
You should not cling to words. A phrase taken out of context loses its original meaning. You should not cling to individual words, because then you are guaranteed a huge scandal.
Don't think that you are the root cause of everything. You are not always the cause of a quarrel. Perhaps the cause of irritation is failure at work, a quarrel with friends, or the rudeness of others. After all, not everything revolves around you.
Remember, with the right approach, any aggression can be minimized. The main thing is to know how to do it.
Is it possible to avoid conflicts in business or personal relationships? "No!" - any professional psychologist will answer. Conflicts, as an extreme form of resolving contradictions, are inevitable, but they can be managed within certain limits. To do this, you need to learn to distinguish between forms of behavior in conflict and the corresponding outcome options. It is also useful to know the basic rules or ethics of behavior in conflict. Behavior in conflict is very diverse. But what rules must be followed to mitigate the conflict or make it constructive? There are several such rules of behavior in a conflict situation that provide the best way out of an acute situation.
Rule 1: have an open mind towards the initiator of the conflict.
The first rule of behavior in conflict is a fair, unbiased attitude towards the initiator of the conflict. Every interpersonal conflict begins with the appearance of a person in a couple or group who is dissatisfied with something - this is the initiator of the conflict. It is he who makes demands, claims, grievances and expects his partner to listen to him and change his behavior. After all, how does a partner usually react to the initiator of a conflict? Purely negative. He accuses him of being “again dissatisfied with something, again starting a quarrel over trifles,” that “he is always missing something,” “everything is always wrong for him.” The role of the accused is always unpleasant, therefore, naturally, every normal person tries to avoid it or “prepares to fight back the initiator.”
It should be remembered that the initiator of the conflict, with rare exceptions when it is simply a capricious, uncooperative, “quarrelsome” person, always has personal reasons for “starting a quarrel.” As a rule, behind his dissatisfaction and claims there is a fairly significant reason or personal interest - some state of affairs that does not suit him, burdens him, torments him, causes anxiety or inconvenience.
Thus, in order for the conflict not to go down the “crooked path” from the very first step, it is necessary to treat the initiator of the conflict fairly and patiently: do not immediately condemn, do not dismiss, do not scold, but carefully and listen to him as kindly as possible.
Rule 2: do not expand the subject of the dispute.
The second rule of behavior in conflict is to identify the subject of the conflict and not expand it. The subject is understood as the reason for the partner’s dissatisfaction: what specifically does not suit him, what does he not like in the behavior of the other? The initiator of the conflict must also observe this rule, that is, clearly and clearly formulate, first of all, for himself, what does not suit him and irritates him in the other. Then fully and clearly state the reason for your complaints.
Often, quarreling people do not know how to follow this rule. Vague irritation with something is poorly realized and is presented in the form of a spoiled mood. In this case, partners get bogged down in vague accusations, nagging, jabs and even insults, through which the “accused” does not see the essence of the quarrel.
I’ll give an example of a telephone conversation in the office: “Are you talking too loudly on the phone?” And further, “expanding the subject”: “For some reason, everyone should work, and you should talk?!” Not only did the initiator expand the subject of the conflict, he actually insulted the “accused.” The assessment of hard work already concerns the area of business and personal qualities of the accused, and if he is in a bad mood and, in addition, has a practical personality type, he will move to a “frontal” defense or to a “frontal attack” on the offender.
In a marital conflict, the wife formulates the subject quite precisely; "I don't want you smoking in the room." But he immediately adds: “And in general, be more careful, you always wrinkle your clothes and stain your chair with ashes.” She expanded the subject of the conflict: she added several more claims, in addition to a personal one: “You have become somehow sloppy.” When several accusations fall on a person at once, it is difficult for him to assimilate them and take note of them. When there are many subjects of conflict, the spouses cannot deal with any of them in detail and meaningfully, a “jam of problems” is created, the quarrel inevitably drags on and “there is no end in sight.”
So, the second rule of behavior in conflict “clarification of the subject of the conflict and not expanding the number of subjects” should include “reducing the number of claims at once.” The danger of expanding the number of claims is that the accused gets the impression of absolute guilt in everything that happens to the initiator of the conflict.
Another consequence of the expansion in the number of claims may be increased irritation of the accused, who does not know how to “please the initiator,” and is it even necessary to do this if “everything is so bad”?! For example, the conflict began over a loud conversation on the phone, then moved on to something else, a report was not given on time, the “idleness” of the accused, etc. was remembered. And then the initiator said everything that had accumulated in his soul,” and the accused, driven to the extreme, also “didn’t remain in debt,” and laid it all out straight “regardless of faces.”
Associated with the second rule of behavior in conflict is the psychological ability of some individuals, who are often non-conflict by nature, to restrain themselves and avoid conflict. Sooner or later, mentally accumulating small grievances form a “snowball” that is difficult to stop. The opportunity that presents itself will reveal so many grievances and omissions that it will be simply impossible to cope with the conflict.
That is why the outcome of the conflict such as “smoothing out” and especially “leaving” is not recommended. They can leave the initiator and the accused with grievances in the form of unresolved contradictions. Various mental associations, gradually accumulating, overgrown with details of other clashes and omissions even with other people, will cause a generalization of the subject of the conflict and, most importantly, the emotional involvement of the accused and the initiator will increase. Here, another danger awaits the participants - partners of the conflict - drawing a hasty conclusion about the appropriateness of these relations in general.
Thus, quite often among young spouses, “marriage and divorce” can become an ordinary, commonplace thing. The ease with which young spouses talk about divorce is not so harmless. At first half-jokingly, and then seriously, accumulated grievances and omissions lead to hasty conclusions and decisions. It is well known from various areas of human practical activity that it is easier to destroy than to build, and even more so, to rebuild. The same is true in interpersonal relationships: one cannot rush to conclusions about the meaning of specific relationships - comradely, friendly, friendly and especially marital.
Psychological research shows that only the presence of all types of relationships provides an individual with harmonious development, life satisfaction, and optimism. It is easier for an active person to establish relationships in new circumstances, although he cannot provide himself with all types of relationships in these conditions. An introverted, uncommunicative person also makes it easier to get by with a minimum of contacts and relationships. But it is absolutely impossible to form family, parental, marital and friendly relationships in the same capacity.
Neglect of friendly and comradely relationships affects not only the reputation of the individual, but, ultimately, creates an internal barrier of inability to maintain relationships. As a result, the individual develops a trait such as suspicion in relationships with other people. She focuses her attention on failures in relationships with people, often doubts the sincerity of any relationship, and is overly critical and even negative in assessing the behavior of others. Losing various contacts and relationships due to his suspicion and distrust, such a person isolates himself even more.
Rule 3: strive for a positive solution to the conflict.
The third rule of behavior in conflict is the formulation of a positive solution to an acute situation. This will force the initiator, firstly, to mentally weigh all the pros and cons of the accusation being brought forward; secondly, calculate the possible consequences of the conflict for relationships; and thirdly, to think for the accused himself about his preferred outcome of the conflict. All together this can: reduce the potential for negative tension of the initiator, expand his understanding of the subject and feasibility of the conflict, and feel like he is in the role of the accused. For example: “I have a really bad headache today, and if possible, speak a little lower.” The initiator seems to find an extraneous reason forcing him to make a claim, which weakens the tension of the situation.
An unobtrusive appeal to well-being also helps to mitigate the conflict, for example, this variant of the initiator’s behavior: “You know, while you talk, I’ll go to the next department on business.”
A positive solution to a marital conflict can proceed like this. The wife, dissatisfied with her husband’s smoking in the room, suggests: “I understand that it’s hard for you to quit smoking, but I can’t stand tobacco smoke well, maybe you’ll smoke in the kitchen? Then the room will maintain clean air, and you will not worsen your comfort.”
To avoid a quarrel in a conflict situation, the accused needs to clarify the subject of the contradictions, localize the causes of discontent and invite the conflict initiator to suggest a positive way out.
Another option for the development of the conflict. In the room, the husband reads or writes, the wife listens to music. “Turn off the radio,” is how he formulates his desired outcome of the situation. This is exactly what he expects and demands; this outcome suits him. But, at the same time, it is unclear whether the music interferes with concentration or is it just a whim of the husband? With the correct tactics of behavior, the “accused” clarifies the subject of a possible conflict: “Does the music bother you at all at the moment or, if it was played quietly, would you be able to continue your activity?”
Rule 4: control your emotions.
The fourth rule of behavior in conflict concerns the emotional side of the dispute. Often, conflicting partners are able to correctly determine the subject of the conflict, treat fairly the rights of the initiator, express their demands, and outline the outcome of the conflict, but the entire tone of the conversation sometimes nullifies these achievements. As a rule, the conflicting parties experience emotional tension at the time of the conflict. Their statements are categorical, categorical, and demanding.
Often the initiator of the conflict begins the “offensive” in a raised voice, without choosing any expressions. Sometimes, in familiar relations at work, rudeness towards each other becomes the norm. And if men tolerate vulgar expressions more easily, then they simply insult women. A natural reaction to any tactless and rude attack from the initiator may be the response of the accused: “Are you, in fact, talking to me in such a tone?” Moreover, such a mistake by the initiator allows the partner to completely avoid the dispute in the most “honest” way”: “I can’t stand rudeness and shouting, once you cool down, then maybe we’ll talk, but maybe not!” And the accused will be right in his own way.
Therefore, the most mandatory condition for a dispute or a clash is the most calm and even tone of statements, accuracy and thoughtfulness of words. It is necessary to speak in such a way that in the voice and words there is not even a hint of irritation, anger, reproach, or insult to the partner. In a word, the form of the dispute should be “a business conversation between business people.”
It is appropriate, in connection with the tone of the debate, to mention the form of address “You”. In the Russian literary language, in business relations it is customary to address people not as “you”, but as “Vy”. Moreover, it is no coincidence that “You” is written with a capital letter, which indicates a respectful and distant attitude. In general, the form of address “You” carries a large regulatory load in interpersonal relationships. The desire to break social, age, and role barriers in relationships is misinterpreted by people in everyday life, when they, neglecting the remote form of “You,” often find themselves in difficulty. Thus, having broken the distance in official and professional relationships, the boss is surprised when a subordinate behaves “too loosely” in a conflict.
There is a certain selectivity in establishing relationships between “you” and “you”. Persons with good self-control and self-regulation easily, depending on the situation, move from one distance to another. But there are also people who strive in every possible way to reduce the distance in relationships, which supposedly gives them the right to behave “like their own people” in an official setting. In these cases, the distance can be increased unilaterally by switching to “You” in any situation. The distance is also increased by avoiding conversations on any personal topics. Of course, the form of addressing “You” is acceptable in business and official relationships, but it will also look pretentious and even funny in personal and family relationships.
Rule 5: Be tactful in an argument.
And finally, the fifth and most important rule: avoid conflicts that affect an individual’s self-esteem. Complaints about a loud telephone conversation should not be allowed to turn into personal insults. For example: “You don’t just talk loudly, but you are a talker and don’t want to work. You live by the principle “what would you do to do nothing!” Conflicts over trifles, unfortunately, often flare up in transport, when one, unexpected jolt in a crowded carriage is enough for personal insults to rain down. And then the mood is spoiled for a long time, it is transferred to the work environment, to the house - the circle of insults for everyone and everything closes . Often, even adults retain “childish egocentrism,” when any conflicts with any people are perceived as purely personal.
“Children’s egocentrism - infantilism” is especially sensitive to minor troubles. All it takes is a push in transport, a careless word at work or at home - and your pride is hurt, although it may have absolutely nothing to do with it. But the “offended” person is ready to fight back “in full form.” Very easily, each specific offender becomes the embodiment of evil, dissatisfaction with him develops into a generalized assessment of his belonging to a certain gender, age, profession, education, nationality. Thus, an accidental offender - a man - in the eyes of a woman can personify the entire male gender (rude, selfish, “ungentlemanly”). A woman who accidentally hurts a man’s pride embodies all women who only exist to annoy men (“All of you...”).
By subject, conflicts can be divided into “business” and “personal”. Business conflict based on different attitudes towards certain things, third parties, ways of behavior. He is always specific: “I don’t want you... smoking in the room, dating this guy, playing the tape recorder so loudly, throwing your things around, etc.” In the production sector, a business conflict may begin like this: “You must follow safety rules, otherwise an accident is possible, and you will be a victim or guilty of what may happen,” “You must observe labor discipline.” All business conflicts are based on the principle of obligation, the need to comply with certain rules of business relations.
Personal conflicts are always less specific, and the complaint is directed not at specific behavior, but at the partner’s personality as a whole. An example of family and marital conflicts: “I’m tired of your tediousness. You are so uncollected. You always lie to me. You are a very rude person, etc.” In the business sphere of relations, the initiator of the conflict also gives a generalized assessment of the personality of the culprit: “You are a completely lazy person.” “Your stupidity amazes me.” “You are too talkative to do anything serious and necessary.” As you can see, the person as a whole is being reproached here; behind the personal claims there is the assessment “You (You) are not good.”
Business conflicts are much easier and easier to resolve. But personal ones - only with difficulty. After all, behind personal claims there is a demand that a person completely or partially change his character, temperament, or even needs. Behavioral habits, one way or another, may have a deep, stable foundation. So, if it is possible to partially correct tastes, attachments, habits, then it is impossible to change the basic needs of the individual, his temperament. In a stressful, conflict situation, the natural characteristics of a person will definitely make themselves known. All this, however, does not mean that a personality, once formed, is no longer capable of changing and improving.
If circumstances do not make it possible to end any relationship, then you can resort to the most effective method: “talk frankly”, argue reasonably. Such conditions of difficulty are possible in family relationships and cooperative relationships, when a common cause obliges us to interact “against all odds.”
For a reasonable dispute, certain rules must be followed. An “open conversation” should take place at a certain, agreed upon time, and not “on the go,” “by the way.” The spontaneity and thoughtlessness of a rational dispute “will leave everything in its place,” and “there will be a sediment in the soul.” This is what the surveyed and counseled couples told us. It is very important to determine the location of the dispute. It is not good to argue in front of children or parents, or in the presence of guests. In an industrial setting, a business dispute has the same rule: the choice of a time convenient for both parties and the “absence of interested witnesses.”
Before a dispute, the initiator must clearly formulate “what he wants to say” without asking extraneous questions. It is better for both sides to go into an argument with a willingness to find all the best that the other has.
And the main condition is a calm tone and self-suggested motivation for the inevitability of cooperation. You can mentally imagine a desert island where, except for the two of you, there is no one and it is not known when there will be. Naturally, for any normal person the choice of the alternative “conflict - cooperation” will be obvious. And you cannot think that your partner thinks of the situation differently. Moreover, sooner or later he can feel the “background” of cooperation rather than rivalry.
In an interpersonal conflict, especially in the family, household, partner (marital) sphere, there is not only the right side and only the guilty side. Sometimes a conflict arises due to the fact that one party is overexcited for some reason (difficulties at work, a quarrel with a friend, complications in family relationships), and the other party, instead of “going away” or “smoothing out” the tension, chooses tactics confrontation or coercion. Objectively assessing the situation, the positions of the initiator and the accused are clearly visible. And although the initiator is only in a tense state, the conflict has been revealed and is not directly connected with this particular partner, but supposedly the “accused” is already in a hurry to “take the blow,” instead of taking the conversation in a different direction and giving the initiator the opportunity to discharge himself into “ in a different direction." The practical personality type is more categorical in its judgments, therefore it is more often and straightforward in assessing the situation “either he or I.”
You cannot immediately reject any accusation, even one that seems absurd and unfounded. Any claim of an accomplice (partner) has some basis, or perhaps the conflict has a completely different source. It is important to discuss this issue immediately or agree on a conversation (but in no case a “showdown”) later and in a calmer atmosphere. The tactics of initial rejection, even if only mental, are characteristic of the practical type of personality; the cognitive (thinking) type is more rigid (inflexible), it requires time to think or clarify the controversial points of the contradiction that has arisen.
It is necessary to remember that everyone is an individual and therefore it is sometimes difficult for us to resolve contradictions that arise in relationships. He (the other) is just a little different from us, and this may cause disagreement. When we encounter other people, we discover similarities and differences in points of view, emotional states, and behavior. Similarity causes satisfaction, but temporary, then indifference and even boredom may set in. Difference creates tension, but it also allows for interest in individuals different from our own. Collaboration is facilitated by finding similarities between “I” and “he” (or “she”).
It is wrong to believe that life is pure pleasure, without any problems, obstacles, or complications. It is also not true that the other person should always only be pleasant and sympathetic to us. This must be remembered especially when difficulties or difficulties arise in interpersonal relationships. The presence of contradictions and even conflicts is inevitable, but the main thing is not to rush to conclusions about “to be or not to be a relationship.”
It is unacceptable, in conditions of any tension in relations, disagreement, to make generalizations such as: “All men”, “All women”, “Everything that generally interferes with life”. Such generalizations are not limited only to the mentally accepted position, but an assessment of the situation is given and our emotions are included, further strengthening the generalizations, consolidating them in the form of a persistently experienced conflict.
One cannot think that a conflict, once resolved, will not arise again. After all, the formation of optimal relationships is associated with the development of new personality traits, for example, compliance, tolerance for the mistakes of others, etc. It takes patience and time to bring communication abilities “to perfection”, which suits both parties.
It must be remembered that the closer the relationship, for example, marital, the more difficult it becomes in cases of difficulties. Friendship and love relationships oblige us to little, but they are also more superficial and unreliable, just like friendly relationships that bind us to one common cause. True, existing administrative legislation and industrial discipline regulate relationships, but the problem of personal relationships does not completely disappear. Hidden difficulties remain here too. It is important to resolve them correctly for the good of the common cause.
It is useful to alternate the time of communication with each other and isolation from each other, which is especially important for close family and marital relationships. For each, for example, married couple, there is an optimal ratio of communication and isolation, but it must be there, since it makes it possible to better feel the personal uniqueness and originality of the partner. After all, in order for there to be interest in each other, personality development is necessary. Without internal work on oneself, a person becomes ordinary and uninteresting. Of course, in the early stages of our relationship it is difficult to exhaust spiritual and emotional values in a short time. But constant, day after day, communication reduces the “newness” of relationships. The effect of monotony is also known, which manifests itself not only in monotonous work, but also in human relationships.
We must remember that men and women are differently sensitive to the assessment of their personality. So, if a woman is more sensitive to assessments of her appearance and attractiveness, then men value most of all their business qualities and the ability to solve practical, life problems. By slightly overestimating these qualities, we will not go far from the truth. It is no coincidence that they say that a woman becomes a woman next to a man, and a man becomes next to a woman. It is necessary to accumulate a “baggage” of positive memories about each other, this will play a positive role in conditions of tension and conflict. At such moments, it is better to remember not the worst, but the best moments of past relationships.
The relationships of friendship, partnership and marriage cannot be idealized. Neither the first, nor the second, nor the third can completely solve our internal difficulties. Only the diversity of relationships provides confidence and optimism in life. Also unreasonable is the cynicism and vulgarity of relationships, from which, like a cancerous disease, not only they themselves, but also the personality are destroyed. The principle here is: “What goes around comes around!”
Do not try to completely “remake” or re-educate each other at work, at home, in the family. It’s better to engage in self-education - it will help you personally and will not cause protest or hostility from others. High demands on yourself, first of all, and then on others. This does not mean that you always have to blame only yourself for everything. There is a category of shy, insecure people. For greater confidence, they should, having overcome themselves, believe in their capabilities, find the strength to change others, although this is not easy to do, since they became insecure due to their upbringing, when they were too often underestimated and their initiative was suppressed.
Shy people need to constantly improve themselves and become more involved in active social work, which gives them the opportunity to contact different people with different styles of behavior and communication. All this will expand the range of knowledge, skills, and communication skills. The art of communication is born only in the practice of joint work (educational, labor, social).
Trusting-distrustful is one of the most important qualities of a person that determines his interpersonal comfort. Excessive and constant gullibility is a sign of inexperience and vulnerability of the individual. But the worst thing is suspicion of everything. The distrust of one, especially the leader, almost always gives rise to the distrust of subordinates. Without mutual trust, people would never be able to agree on anything. And how we value trust in us!
The last and perhaps most significant point is that relationships require a lot of work to maintain. But they don’t write about this in textbooks, no one teaches this. Meanwhile, it is easier to destroy than to build again. In the work collective and in the personal, family and everyday spheres, daily work is required to manage relationships. In business relationships, the motto should be cooperation on a principled business basis. In these conditions, disputes are necessary for the sake of a common cause. Without them, a business partnership relationship can turn into a personal friendship relationship. Cooperation will be replaced by community. In personal relationships, the motto will be community, for the sake of preserving the relationship, and not for the sake of business.
If cooperation exists only for business, then community - to preserve feelings of personal affection, but regardless of the type of relationship, their labor intensity is the same. In educational and work activities, the progress of technology, technology, and labor rationalization is noticeable. In the area of human relations, difficulties do not completely disappear. And the next generation, and each person resolves them in his own way, fights again and again.
In every human relationship there are disagreements from time to time. Conflict situations occur at work, in the family, and in relationships between lovers. Many people experience them quite painfully. And completely in vain. You need to learn how to treat such situations correctly and know how to competently resolve the conflict.
Psychologists advise treating things positively as an opportunity to clarify and even modify relationships.
Learning to resolve conflicts
If a conflict arises, you must definitely let your partner let off steam: try to listen to all his complaints calmly and patiently, without interrupting or commenting. In this case, internal tension will decrease for both you and your opponent.
After the emotions have been spilled out, you can offer to substantiate the claims. At the same time, it is necessary to monitor the situation so that the opposite side of the conflict does not again switch from a constructive discussion of problems to an emotional one. If this happens, you need to tactfully guide the debater to intellectual conclusions.
You can dampen your partner’s negative emotions by giving him a sincere compliment or by reminding him of something good and pleasant from a common past.
A respectful attitude towards your opponent is a prerequisite for how to resolve a conflict correctly. It will impress even an extremely angry person. If in such a situation you insult your partner and get personal, you will definitely not be able to resolve the conflict.
What to do if your opponent couldn’t restrain himself and started shouting? Don't get caught up in scolding in return!
If you feel guilty about the conflict, do not be afraid to apologize. Remember that only smart people can do this.
Some methods of behavior in a conflict situation
There are several proven techniques on how to resolve conflict.
Reception No. 1. Try to imagine yourself as a commentator observing a quarrel. Look at the conflict from the outside, and first of all, at yourself.
Mentally fence yourself off with an impenetrable cap or body armor - you will immediately feel that the barbs and unpleasant words of your opponent seem to break against the barrier you have set up, and no longer hurt so sharply.
Having seen from the position of a commentator what qualities you lack in a conflict, endow yourself with them in your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.
If you do this regularly, the missing qualities will actually appear.
Reception No. 2. How to resolve conflict between disputants? This very simple technique often helps not only relieve tension, but also avoid confrontation altogether. You just need to step away or move further away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties are physically, the stronger the intensity of passions.
Reception No. 3. Surprise your opponent at the moment of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. This is simply a wonderful way to resolve conflict. It’s difficult to quarrel with a person who is in the mood to joke!
Reception No. 4. If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor is deliberately provoking a conflict, insulting and simply not giving a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in this tone. It is better to postpone it “to tomorrow”.
Taking a time out will help you calm down and give you a break to find the right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.
What should not be allowed during a conflict
Good self-control is the key to success
You need to learn to restrain your emotions and in case of conflict with partners or clients, the following are strictly prohibited:
- irritable tone and swearing;
- a clear demonstration of one's own superiority;
- criticism of the opponent;
- searching for negative intentions in his actions;
- abdication of responsibility, blaming the partner for everything;
- ignoring the interests of the opponent;
- exaggeration of one's role in the common cause;
- pressure on sore spots.
The best way to get out of a conflict is to avoid it.
Psychologists advise treating conflict as a positive factor. If at the very beginning of building a relationship, having noticed conflicting issues, you do not hush them up, you can nip serious quarrels in the bud.
We must try to “put out the fire” even before it flares up. Therefore, the best way to resolve a conflict is not to bring it to a head. After all, life already has a lot of difficulties, and nerve cells will still come in handy.
Often the cause of confrontation is the accumulation of unspoken negativity. A person is irritated by something in the behavior of a colleague or is simply enraged by some habit of his loved one, but he does not know how to say about it so as not to spoil the relationship. Therefore, he endures and remains silent. The effect is exactly the opposite. Accumulated irritation sooner or later spills out in an uncontrollable form, which can lead to a serious conflict. Therefore, it is very important not to bring it to the “boiling point”, but to calmly and tactfully express your complaints as soon as they arise.
When not to avoid conflict
But there are times when it’s not worth it, because it’s the one that will help solve the problem. You can consciously enter into conflict if:
- you need to defuse the situation by clarifying the painful issue with a loved one;
- there is a need to break off the relationship;
- to give in to your opponent means for you to betray your ideals.
But you need to remember that when intentionally going into conflict, you need to sort things out intelligently.
Memo “How to competently resolve a conflict”
To get out of a conflict situation as quickly as possible and with the least losses, we suggest the following sequence of actions.
1. First of all, the existence of a conflict must be recognized. We cannot allow a situation where people feel opposition and act according to their chosen tactics, but do not talk about it openly. It will not be possible to resolve such a conflict without joint discussion between the parties.
2. Having recognized the conflict, it is necessary to agree on negotiations. They can be either face to face or with the participation of a mediator who suits both parties.
3. Determine what exactly constitutes the subject of confrontation. As practice shows, the parties to a conflict often see the essence of the problem differently. Therefore, it is necessary to find common ground in understanding the dispute. Already at this stage it is important to determine whether a rapprochement of positions is possible.
4. Develop several solutions, taking into account all possible consequences.
5. After considering all the options, settle on the one that suits both parties. Record the decision in writing.
6. Implement the solution. If this is not done immediately, the conflict will only deepen, and repeated negotiations will be much more difficult.
We hope that our advice will help you, if not avoid conflicts, then get out of them with dignity.