What does a man's temporary distance mean? How can a woman dispel her doubts? Why is the uncertainty stage important for a future marriage?
According to psychologists, each couple goes through certain stages in the development of relationships. Knowledge of the patterns of natural development of relationships contributes to emotional rapprochement, understanding and achievement of harmony.
initial stage– attraction, when a man is captivated by female attractiveness and external beauty. Moreover, the feeling of sympathy for a new acquaintance does not restrain a man from being physically attracted to other women.
A woman at the attraction stage is more attracted to a man's intelligence. And a woman’s words about love at first sight may mean that she has complemented her chosen one with the masculine qualities she needs thanks to her developed imagination.
At the second stage– uncertainty – the man begins to be overcome by doubts, and he will move away from his girlfriend. He must decide on his attitude and adequately evaluate his feelings for her. It is important for a man to go through this stage so as not to experience it later in marriage. A woman needs to be patient, wait it out and not bother with questions - the guy himself may not know the answers to them.
Why does a man have doubts?
Many couples fail to maintain relationships at the stage of natural and natural alienation. The man continues to look at other girls and compares his partner with them. He has an image of an ideal companion in his head, although he is unlikely to be able to describe her specifically. And a man is able to forget about his imaginary ideal only when he meets his chosen one, in a relationship with whom he will feel successful.
A woman's correct reaction helps rid a man of doubts on his actions and deeds. At the beginning of a relationship, the man usually takes on the role of organizer of the date - he is the one who plans where to go, what to do and how to spend the time. He does this, perhaps giving up his important affairs for the sake of the meeting. He gives flowers, tries to be attentive and gallant, and takes care of the comfort of his girlfriend. By making it clear that she is pleased and that she appreciates his advances, a woman helps a man feel needed. He wants to continue the relationship and his attraction increases.
We must not forget about some closedness of a man in terms of expressing their emotions, especially at the beginning of a relationship. A woman should refrain from asking questions about feelings and relationships. This will only push the man away and increase his doubts about his choice.
If she starts fussing, attacking him with calls, SMS, excuses for meetings, the male mind may perceive such behavior as an attempt to impose itself. And then, under the influence of doubts, it is more comfortable for a man to refuse to further continue the relationship.
Therefore, it is better not to put pressure on your partner with excessive emotions, but to build relationships without haste and fuss.
How to behave as a woman
The woman’s wisdom lies in the fact that she does not prevent him from temporarily moving away. And this only fuels male interest in himself.
If, at the stage of uncertainty, a woman, instead of pursuing a man, simply enjoys life, this will only benefit her. Besides, she will be able to appreciate what this relationship means to her.
In each case, the ambiguity phase can last from one week to two months. And even if at this time young people do not meet at all, this does not mean that he forgot her, stopped thinking about her, or found someone else. And it is wrong for a woman to evaluate a man’s silence in this way.
In fact, by giving her partner time to think and letting the relationship float freely, a woman appears in men’s eyes as confident, valuable and significant. And when that long-awaited call from a man finally rings out, The transition of relations to a qualitatively new level begins. Now they both can definitely be calm and know that they will be the only ones for each other.
Question to a psychologist
Hello, Vladimir Ivanovich! I am 27 years old, my husband is 35. We lived in a civil marriage for six months. Neither he nor I have been married before and have no children. Recently our relationship has gone very wrong, we often quarrel over trifles. As a result, I find out that he started communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He says that there is nothing special about this, that he was communicating only about work (but he was looking for the number on purpose, although there are plenty of similar specialists around, ask anyone). Doesn't communicate often, but still. When I asked if he wanted to return to her, he replied that he had not thought about it. When I asked if he wanted to establish a relationship with me, sort everything out, talk, he said that he didn’t know whether he wanted to or not. Earlier, when discussing the topic of legitimizing the relationship, he said that it was not time yet, he would decide when, etc. I replied that I would not live as a “liver” (his house), especially with such an attitude (I don’t know whether I want to be with you or not). I left him, and in the end he doesn’t even call. I don’t impose myself either. How to improve relationships? How to behave in such a situation?
Answers from psychologists
Hello, Vera. Unfortunately, your situation is extremely unpromising. That’s why the young man stayed single because he’s not confident in himself, he’s childish, he doesn’t know how to make decisions and give himself to love. He’s not mature. In his relationship with you, his determination melted away and melted. And in order to distance himself from you emotionally, he invented an old girlfriend for himself. He builds with you the distance that he felt with his mother in early childhood (for some reason he was on his own, abandoned). Therefore.. with you he is saved in a feeling of abandonment. This is his best adaptation to life, in isolation. You can waste many years on him, re-educating and saving. But you won’t even get a word of thank you. Therefore, if your value is in joint with him Life hasn’t become a failure like his, in my opinion, it’s better to disconnect and build your destiny anew.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Dear Vera!
when discussing the topic of legitimizing the relationship, he said that it was not time yet, he would decide when, etc.
And you decide whether to sleep with him and cook for him.
How to improve relationships?
They don’t even call you, what do you want to fix?
How to behave in such a situation?
If you need a family with an adult, mature man, there is no point in wasting time on those who cannot express themselves that way, who are not suitable for you. A breakup is always painful, you have to endure it and grieve. Learn to feel your worth, all the best
Alexandrova Elena Alexandrovna, psychologist Abakan
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Hello, Vera!
You have entered into a relationship with a person who is 35 years old, but in essence, he is a psychological teenager, with all the behavior and reactions that accompany this age
When I asked if he wanted to return to her, he replied that he had not thought about it. When I asked if he wanted to establish a relationship with me, sort everything out, talk, he said that he didn’t know whether he wanted to or not. Earlier, when discussing the topic of legitimizing the relationship, he said that it was not time yet, he would decide when, etc.
An adult and accomplished person knows exactly what he wants, so you shouldn’t waste your time waiting, spend it better on yourself, on your development, on communicating with other young people, among whom there will be those who want to call you and look for meet you, build a relationship and get married.
All the best!
Tomashets Olga Aleksandrovna, psychologist in Almaty
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0How to understand relationships if they are difficult, and even the thought of breaking up terrifies you?
Throughout life, everyone goes through relationships with other people. These are fleeting acquaintances, family and friendly ties, contacts with colleagues, marriage ties. They all have an impact on us - positive or negative. And the closer the contact, the more a person means to us, the stronger we react to him, the greater the impact he has on our lives. Therefore, the most important things in our lives are personal relationships. Like any others, they develop and experience metamorphoses, some of which lead to their development and deepening, while others, on the contrary, are harbingers of collapse.
If you are thinking about the question of how to understand relationships, it means that a turning point has come in them.
The prerequisites for its occurrence are not necessarily some terrible, unforgivable actions of the partner. Such doubts do not arise overnight. Your relationship may be absolutely normal by conventional standards, but are you confident in it? Whether they are as good as they could be. You yourself no longer understand whether you really have it or whether this is a reaction to temporary problems, or maybe a habit in a relationship played a negative role.
You are not ready to leave your partner because you doubt that everything is that bad. But maybe you are simply scared by the unknown, the lack of guarantee of success that awaits you on the path to building a new personal life. To clarify the situation and understand how to proceed further, it is necessary to identify the main problems in the relationship and assess their seriousness and importance.
How to understand relationships?
Full-fledged relationships inevitably stimulate personal growth, promote the manifestation of better and stronger sides, encourage self-improvement, and make us happier.
If this does not happen, and we continue to continue the protracted relationship, then dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction and doubts about the correctness of the choice arise. A few simple assessment criteria will help identify critical points. Negative responses are an indicator that ending an unhealthy relationship will be easier and more effective than trying to improve it.
Mutual sympathy. This is a prerequisite for a strong and successful union. If you like each other no matter what you say or do, then everything is fine. Otherwise, there is a stranger next to you.
Sexual attraction. If there is no such interest, but only the habit of staying close in the relationship remains, then they are doomed to break. It's not about initial passion, but a healthy relationship is impossible if there is no desire.
Mutual respect. If this feeling is present in your relationship, regardless of the problems, disagreements, and difficulties that arise, then you will successfully overcome them all. When a partner does not inspire respect and does not respect you, the long-term existence of such an alliance is very doubtful.
Soulful intimacy. The main problems in relationships arise from the lack of real intimacy between people. It includes many concepts, including trust, mutual assistance, mutual understanding, patience, support, emotional contact. If these important elements are missing, then your long-term relationship may not be worth fighting for.
Reliability. If you are captivated by doubts and wondering how to understand the relationship, then analyze how reliable it is. Do you feel supported and supported, do you see a person nearby who is trying to improve your life, make it more comfortable, protect you from adversity? Maybe someone else will handle it better and make you much happier.
Common interests. Think about what unites you, whether there are common interests, plans, goals, whether you like spending time together. If all this is no longer relevant, then breaking off an unhealthy relationship will be the best solution. Two people with different views on the world can get along together for a long time if the previous points are taken into account, but answer yourself honestly: do you yourself want to connect your life with a person who does not share your values?
Why are you together? If you are still with your partner because you hope to solve temporary difficulties together, you have a good chance. When people are held together by fear of condemnation from relatives, religious views, reluctance to spoil reputation, career, financial aspects, then these are hardly adequate reasons to be together. On the contrary, over time they will still lead to even greater distance and difficult experiences.
Break off an unhealthy relationship or try to improve it?
leave, accept and endure the situation, or give up everything without a second thought. Even in the most crisis, there is no better way out than to sort out relationships by subjecting them to impartial analysis. After all, you can lose much more than you gain in return.
Important stages in the relationship between a man and a woman.
At first relationship between a man and people try to build the right relationships among themselves through trial and error.
They are often tormented by many questions, they doubt, become disappointed, and make mistakes.
But knowledge of key stages of development, gives confidence and protects against mistakes along the way.
If you do not have relationships with men or your relationship is still at an early stage, then you will be interested in reading this article.
The stages of rapprochement between a woman and a man are divided into five stages. This sequence allows you to correctly set up harmony in the relationship and it is important that both partners go through all the steps at the same time. If you missed some step, then you need to go back and go through it; this is a necessary condition for the development of harmonious relationships.
The first stage in a relationship is attraction.
If a woman is attracted to a man mainly by his intellect, then men are attracted by a woman’s appearance. Feeling sympathy for one woman, a man at the same time feels the same attraction to other women.
Female attractiveness allows a man to feel a certain energy within himself that he needs, including the development of a relationship with this woman. Therefore, the idea that is very common among girls - “all men need the same thing” is not entirely true. Every man needs energy to build a serious relationship, which he receives by seeing an attractive female body. By interfering with a man's physical attraction, we deprive him of this energy and do not give him the opportunity for further initiative.
For a woman, a man’s appearance is not very important; reason, responsibility and intelligence come first for her. This is a feature of the female psyche. And if we hear from a woman - “I fell in love with him at first sight,” this means that she created in her imagination the image of this man and endowed him with all the qualities that she likes. Without enough time to get to know this person well, the woman turns on her imagination. And it will be her biggest mistake if, without going through all the stages of the relationship, she considers that she has found her ideal man. Even if her assumption is confirmed over time, she will suffer from anxiety and doubts about why everything happened so easily.
This stage of the relationship can be compared in importance to a strong foundation of a building - without it you cannot build a reliable house.
The second stage in a relationship is uncertainty.
This is the stage of doubt and patience; it must be present in the development of relationships. It is at this stage of the relationship that a man begins to doubt and move away from his woman. This is quite normal - a man is trying to understand his attitude towards a woman. And at this stage it depends only on the woman whether this stage will go smoothly or not, if she shows patience and reacts adequately.
Usually, the further a man moves away, the faster he becomes attracted. At this stage of the relationship, it is important not to put pressure on the man and not pester him with the question - “How do you feel about me?” At the moment, he himself doesn’t know it yet.
If you do not go through this stage, then even after the wedding, he will begin to experience this stage in marriage. For a woman, this will be much more difficult to survive - because she thinks that everything is so clear. But the fact is that only she understands this, and not the man. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation and the man, then in the end everything will work out in the best way for them.
The third stage of a relationship is the desire to be the only one.
This desire arises in both women and men. If a man has passed the stage of uncertainty, then he knows for sure that he wants to be with this woman forever. And the main thing here is that the woman reacts correctly.
If a woman has enough wisdom, then she will not push away a man and be offended by him if he suddenly appears after a protracted period of uncertainty. Now she can feel like the only one for this man and can be confident in his feelings.
The fourth stage of a relationship is spiritual intimacy.
This stage is special and quite interesting. This stage of relationships implies a higher degree of trust, the discovery of a partner on a deep spiritual level. The analogy here is this: you invite guests to your home. It is customary to receive guests in the living room, so before arriving you put extra things in the bedroom. But if guests suddenly ask to show them your bedroom, you will probably feel uncomfortable.
So in a relationship at this stage you are ready to show off your “bedroom”, although not everything is cleaned there yet... You went through all the previous stages showing yourself only from the best side. And now showing your shortcomings before you demonstrate your strengths will, of course, be honest on your part, but not very good for your relationship, which can lead to the exact opposite result and, as a result, disappointment.
Maintain reasonable consistency in developing relationships. Only at this stage of the relationship can you allow yourself to be yourself.
The fifth stage of a relationship is engagement.
This is the last stage before marriage. By this time, you have already gotten to know each other enough and can consider yourself quite close people. You feel almost like husband and wife, but there is still one last opportunity to say “no” to each other.
At this stage, an understanding comes that any person is capable of loving different people, but finding that one, truly loved person with whom you would like to live your whole life is very difficult. Quite a lot of couples decide to break up at this stage of the engagement, and this is the right decision - it means they have understood themselves correctly.
Only at this stage of the relationship is it possible to truly understand whether you have found the soul mate that you need. At this stage, partners begin to truly love each other.
Finally, all stages have been successfully completed and We have a long and happy life ahead of us together.
The second stage of dating occurs when we realize that someone means more to us than others. We have a desire to get to know our partner better, to become a permanent couple. And at this stage, doubts arise in the relationship. Most people are unaware of this stage and come to the conclusion that the choice was made incorrectly because they have doubts.
A man, for example, believes that since he is not sure of his choice, then he should continue the search. But if at the first stage meeting many women is quite acceptable, then at the second stage it is worth slowing down and it is better to exclude meeting other women. Focus on one acquaintance. This is just the time to decide whether to continue this acquaintance.
A man has an image of his ideal match, but in real life coincidences happen very rarely. And until a man is convinced that a woman is happy next to him, he will compare her with the ideal that is in his imagination. When the relationship continues to develop and the man feels that they are connected by desire, mutual sympathy and interest, then the image of the real person begins to displace the imaginary image. This process takes time.
The man’s task at the second stage is to understand the relationship more deeply. To do this, he should ask the following questions:
Do I want to make her happy?
Am I right for her?
Do I love her?
Am I capable of making her happy?
Does it give me joy to know that she is happy?
Do I miss her when I don't see her?
If a man eventually finds an affirmative answer to each of these questions, he is sufficiently prepared to move to the next stage - the stage of constancy in the relationship.
At the second stage, it is very important for a man to show small signs of attention to a woman. This will give him the opportunity to see from her reaction whether he can bring her joy.
His insecurities and doubts in the relationship will dissipate, but not thanks to what the woman does for the man, but under the influence of her reaction to what he does for her. By the way, this is related to the fact that the man takes upon himself the organization of dates.
A man is the party in a relationship that gives, and the woman, in turn, graciously accepts his care. By showing signs of attention to his companion during a date, a man checks whether he likes doing it. In turn, the woman checks whether she is satisfied by receiving his support.
Thus, an invisible connection is established between a man and a woman.
Without knowing about the different stages of dating, a man can get into trap in your own doubts and instead of checking whether the woman is happy with what he does for her, he focuses on his desires. Asks the question: can she give what he needs?
Thus, he may miss his real mate. If he asks himself whether he is right for her, whether he is the person she needs, he will be able to understand whether it is worth moving on to another stage and taking on certain obligations or ending the acquaintance and starting a relationship with another woman.